Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I party with great urgency now.
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