I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
