I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
love makes seman taste better
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
