then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
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This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
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They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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