What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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