I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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