am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
