It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
