I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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