half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
