You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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