If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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