Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
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Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
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I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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