man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
