I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
