you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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