Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
