i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
