my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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