no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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