If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
