I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
