I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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