Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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