So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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