There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I got inside last night via doggy door
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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