i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
