Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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