how do flat chested girls get laid?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
