hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
