He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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