Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
