This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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