i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
