smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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