I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
