I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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