every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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