Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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