i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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