Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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