I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
