Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
