hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
