so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
