keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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