oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
