my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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