she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
