She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
