When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
