There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
