she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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