Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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