I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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