Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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