I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
